


Happiness is a Warm Gun

by alpacamybags



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18 coda, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Gen, I've got my pro-cas interpretation and y'all can pry it from my cold dead hands, Screw that, Totally Gen, dear god I love castiel with my whole heart, issuing a level 10 tissue warning for y'all tho, somewhat of a character study, this is my interpretation of that episode, this will likely go down as an unpopular opinion but you know what?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27418282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alpacamybags/pseuds/alpacamybags
Summary: 15x18 coda. Not really much else I can say here.
Relationships: Castiel & Jack Kline & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Happiness is a Warm Gun

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the Beatles song. 
> 
> So, 15x18. I'm mad, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather look for any kind of a silver lining because I love Cas to pieces. This is the result.

Castiel had always known he’d die fighting. He was made to be a soldier, molded and welded, sometimes quite literally, to follow orders. He was never really obedient, but he never quite knew why.

Until his mission turned into a friend. And expectations were broken in every conceivable way. 

The angels, who were supposed to be agents of fate and perfect messengers of God, wanted to destroy what they’d been commanded to protect, what Castiel had always revered and always stood for. Humanity.

And he was doing the forging, now. He, with his ragtag team of humans, _Team Free Will_ , were ripping the grand story apart at the seams. And they succeeded, because the Boy with the Demon Blood, inexplicably Castiel’s friend, turned out to have the heart of a saint and the spirit of an angel. 

Well. What angels were supposed to be, anyway. 

And oh, did Castiel fall. Because feeling, being able to feel freely, it _hurt_. It hurt more than anything, more than watching his siblings scream into death in all of Heaven’s battles, more than every time Naomi took to him with her instruments. 

Rejection, the sharp, burning sting of it, arguably hurt the worst. Because he loved these boys, his chosen family, with all that he had. And they didn’t love him the same.

They turned him away, sometimes when he needed him most. Other times they stayed, when Castiel wished they’d just run and leave him. Because he was a burden. The angel with a crack in his chassis, always broken and always messing things up. Every time he tried to help, to relate to his friends and talk to them like he knew humans did, he seemed to say the wrong thing. That happened with Sam more times than he’d care to remember. 

So he discovered a new emotion. Hate. And he hated himself, he really did. But that was fine, it didn’t interfere with his ability to be useful. 

Life carried on.

And a wrench was thrown in yet again, with a woman and her unborn child. Kelly Kline was the epitome of humanity, kind and good and fighting for what she thought was right. And her baby… feeling him kick, Castiel _knew_ he’d be incredible. Knew that he wasn’t evil, wasn’t an abomination, but rather a gift. A miracle. 

For Jack, Castiel discovered a whole new kind of love. When he was in pain, it was like Castiel’s grace was being ripped out all over again. When Jack looked at him with admiration, with trust, it was enough to take his breath away. Because if this miracle child, with so much boundless good in his heart could admire _Castiel_ , could love him, maybe he wasn’t as much a failure as he’d thought. 

Sam and Jack weren’t with them. They could already be dead, gone with a wave of Chuck’s hand. But Castiel could stop Billie, save the last person left that he loved. 

It hit in a split second. That all this time, spent wishing his family could love him back, wasn’t a prison. It wasn’t a waste. Because loving them made Castiel better. It made him stronger, and prouder, and sadder and angrier and every emotion under the sun.

But he could _feel_ , really, truly, _feel_ , and it was the single most beautiful thing he’d ever experienced. It didn’t matter that he might never fit in, not fully. It didn’t matter if Sam and Dean didn’t love him quite as unconditionally as he did them. 

He’d learned from them. He’d learned that brotherhood was sometimes a chore, but family was a choice. He’d learned that love had always been his driving force, even if he’d never been able to feel it properly before he met a Winchester. He’d learned so much, become so much, become a friend and a fighter and a _father_ , and that was in part due to Dean opening the door, saying “come with me, and we’ll save the world.” And so he thanked him. Said I love you, because it was true. He loved them all. Dean had changed him, yes, but then again- didn’t every friendship help you to grow?

He’d learned that your child’s smile was more brilliant than the fabric of the universe. He’d learned that an embrace once rejected and well waited for was sweeter than any PB&J.

Last, and most important, he learned how to be happy. 

It didn’t come from pining for the perfect family. It didn’t come from resurrection, though that often served as a temporary source. It came from within. 

Castiel wasn’t a Winchester. He wasn’t a Kline. He wasn’t an angel, not fully, not anymore. 

He was just Castiel. And that was all he needed to be. 

It was a rush. It made his first real tears spring free, made him smile like only Jack had managed to bring out of him in the past. In sacrificing himself, he didn’t feel fear. Just peace.

Loving yourself, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. And it’ll hurt like hell to get there. 

He’d done it, though. Just Castiel. Castiel with his broken wings and too much heart.

He’d loved his family through it all. And now he’d finally found it in him to love himself, too. 

And Castiel died happy.

**Author's Note:**

> You know, I'm just trying to be happy that Cas finally loved himself. I miss him already, though. And I have a lot of feelings, almost none of them good, about the way he went out. All I know is that I love him a lot. 
> 
> If you read this we're probably on the same page, so if you need to vent message me here or come scream at me on tumblr (@kitkat-alpaca). I'll listen.
> 
> Thanks for reading. I'd love to know what you thought.


End file.
